@onion_an

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

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@ShortSleeveSuit

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

@mrjohndarby

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

@trojansauce

[interview]

“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”

*whispers*

“sorry i couldn-”

I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME

@Rollinintheseat

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

@stevevsninjas

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

@JustForHT

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

@tastefactory

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*