If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
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me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”
“sorry i couldn-”
I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*