@onion_an

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

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@Dawn_M_

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

@PondHockeyPro

Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.

@envydatropic

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

@juliussharpe

After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.

@Parkerlawyer

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

@TheMichaelRock

Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.

“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.

@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

@RS3Feed

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

@skittle624

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

@filmbizpro

“Everyday I’m shoveling” – Canadians Theme Song.