Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
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Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.
“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Everyday I’m shoveling” – Canadians Theme Song.