Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You Might Also Like
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Nigella has gone too far this time.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
opening twitter today
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.