Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down