@rad_milk

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

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@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@imchriskelly

Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@BuckyIsotope

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

@grillyjoel

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

@yerpalmildsauce

How did you get those horrible burns?
*flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster*
I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

@not_delicate

“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach

@mostlysharks

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

@daddydoubts

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”