@rad_milk

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

@WakeVII

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@daemonic3

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

@rickolantern

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

@LittleMissAngr1

You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@jessienope

religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay

@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.