ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]