ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.