Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha
SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.