Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats