ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
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Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*
2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away
There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO
I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.