@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

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@truegritrumble

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

@nayele18maybe

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

@Kamikaze_Blonde

There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

@aligarchy

DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO

@CeciMula

I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.

@RunOldMan

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.