Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Thrilling chase underway
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok