Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
They also CAN sing✌️
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.