ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
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My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.