@sploosk

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

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@BeTheCookie

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

@Playing_Dad

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

@hotsoccerchic69

my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer

@Parkerlawyer

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

@rockymomax

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

@girl_a_whirl

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

@mexinonblonde

Maybe in ten years we can forget this foolishness and be friends. In the mean time I hope you drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress, you horror of a human being.

-Me to my Ex.

@iGreenMonk

Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.

@wickedsuga

Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid’s nose is from allergies or not.

His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.