WIFE: it’s your turn to change the baby. he left you a little present haha
ME: *opens diaper* how the hell did he get an x box in there??
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
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I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Worker: can I help you?
Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.