ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
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Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]