Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
This bar smells like my childhood.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…