Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”