ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
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[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”