Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
You Might Also Like
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Motion detecting home security camera working well!