Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

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Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning


*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*


My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.


Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself


Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing


If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!


*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*


The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.


Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?


Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”