Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Noah
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
When ur friends with white people
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.