Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”