Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.


[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?



My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.


The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.


Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.


Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.


God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy


Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.


*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*