Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

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wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea


Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have?

6yo: $60

Me: That’s correct, son.


Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*


[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]


pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me


SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it


Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.


Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!


How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.