You call it baggage, I call it origin story.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*