Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.