You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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7yo: can I order for you?
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished
CAVEMAN 1: i make this. it called fire
CAVEMAN 2: how u do that?!
CAVEMAN 1: um *thinking about how he was making 2 sticks have sex* magic
How old do I look?
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.