Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
“You’d better run, egg!”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head