ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Why font matters.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
kevin is now a local weatherman
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.