Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot