@Reverend_Scott

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

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@nibz250

It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him

@coketruck76

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

@Megatronic13

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

@Reverend_Scott

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

@MarlonBrandNO

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

@Douchekevin

Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery

@david8hughes

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

@girlnarly

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

@rickolantern

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out