Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

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It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him


I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.


Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!


The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the


Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No


Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery


[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears


scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then


The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out