Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
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My new favorite headline
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
so weird how every mom was born today
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
This is me
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.