Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
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Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Interior design 👌
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting