ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
get you a girl who
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.