Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?