Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️