I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?