@vineyille

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

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@DomBorrett

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

@Lamalover2

Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?

@imteddybless

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

@ArfMeasures

ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect

@Rich_McCarthy

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

@causticbob

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

@beliz69

Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”

@Bob_Heller

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please