Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
@ candidates for local office
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”