me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
#gardening
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Good morning
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns