Me:She’s better than me.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Cop: this him?
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]
-Come on it was one time guys
*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*