Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.