@drankturpentine

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

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@aimlessamers

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

@uheartIessbitch

just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston

@jdforshort

“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today

@knot_eye

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

@pilau

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”

@QwertyJones3

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

@TragicAllyHere

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

@OffTheHutch

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

@WildeThingy

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”