me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
*serious situation*
My brain:
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped