me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.


just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston


“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today


*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …



“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”


“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”


I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”


But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”


Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.


“So send me a picture of you…”


“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”


[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”