me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.



Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.


I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.


Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one


In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right


80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.


6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.


My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.


Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!