ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

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I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life


I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.


[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again


Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra


I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.


Relationship status: looking for a woman whose family would pay me $1mil to disappear and not contact her anymore…


I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’


Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me


Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours


Her: I like you.
Me: I’m a complete psycho, none of this is an act. Godspeed.