ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now