Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

The legends were true

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

The Others (2001)

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate