[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Me: Just once?
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
(Animal spelling bee)
Owl: Your word is Mississippi
Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss
Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?