Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me buying fruit and veg
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary