If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Me: Just once?
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”
-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno