Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
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Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
How animals would run if they were human
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.