Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”