@junejuly12

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

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@kumailn

5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.

@LaziestCanine

*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*

@turbomanatee

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

@HenpeckedHal

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

@Artemis_Ascends

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

@Brampersandon_

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

@Joshua4Congress

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

@climaxximus

peter pan: welcome to neverland where everyone’s a kid

me: who’s that guy

peter pan: that’s captain hook

me: why isn’t he a kid

peter pan: wHy iSn’T hE a KiD shut the fuck up