@junejuly12

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

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@TheOnion

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

@erikbransteen

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

@TheMichaelRock

*puts on shirt*

*shirt rips because of my muscles*

*gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*

@minkpinkustink

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@Goofpoops

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

@weinerdog4life

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.