Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

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5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.


*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*


Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”


My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?


My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.


[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*


A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.


peter pan: welcome to neverland where everyone’s a kid

me: who’s that guy

peter pan: that’s captain hook

me: why isn’t he a kid

peter pan: wHy iSn’T hE a KiD shut the fuck up