@TheOnion
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
@junejuly12
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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@TheOnion
@erikbransteen
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
@SoVeryBritish
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
@TheAndrewNadeau
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
@TheMichaelRock
*puts on shirt*
*shirt rips because of my muscles*
*gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*
@minkpinkustink
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
@ShesARealGenius
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
@TheTweetOfGod
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
@Goofpoops
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
@weinerdog4life
Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.