@kumailn
5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.
@junejuly12
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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@kumailn
@LaziestCanine
*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*
@turbomanatee
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
@HenpeckedHal
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
@Artemis_Ascends
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
@LanieLalaBugs
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
@UncleDuke1969
the answer was staring at me all along
@Brampersandon_
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
@Joshua4Congress
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
@climaxximus
peter pan: welcome to neverland where everyone’s a kid
me: who’s that guy
peter pan: that’s captain hook
me: why isn’t he a kid
peter pan: wHy iSn’T hE a KiD shut the fuck up