me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?