Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one