*controversially pours a glass of milk*
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
#gardening
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
It’s the weekend y’all
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.