Bro. It’s not ladies man, it’s ladies’ man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
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Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”
-Neutral Milk Hotel fans
this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.