Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
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The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Did…did a minotaur write this
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Writing, She Murdered.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.