Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
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Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
me after eating Cheetos
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab