@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

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@discountzen

I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.

@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

@BigHeb7

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@averagegrades

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

@handsock_butts

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

@ElgatoEsmio

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS