I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
so weird how every mom was born today
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS