Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”