me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

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currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out


I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.


ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.


11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything


Coworker: I was named after my grandfather.

Me: Of course you were, he was born first.


[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager


It’s especially on Fridays at 5 pm when I wish I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.


Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.