me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
#Caturday
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there