me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

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Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.


Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.


[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-


Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.


Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is


I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.


I was going to do the dishes but they weren’t in the mood.


Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.


Yeah, sure, I use made-up words sometimes. Does that make you

[Lowers shades]