Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
look at me when i’m typing to you
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie