me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Sign at work today
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣