Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn’t like you.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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*gets pulled over*
Officer: how high are u
Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
god: let there be light
plant: looks tasty
plant: can i eat it?
god: well no-
plant: i think im gonna eat it