me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.