@themiltron

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

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@PakuluPapito1

*gets pulled over*

Officer: how high are u

Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u

@ShortSleeveSuit

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

@mommajessiec

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

@geowizzacist

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

@tornebrook

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

@sunexplode

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

@maughammom

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

@socksandsamdals

god: let there be light

plant: looks tasty

god: what

plant: can i eat it?

god: well no-

plant: i think im gonna eat it