@ThisOneSayz

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

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@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

@aotakeo

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

@Browtweaten

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

@iRandumbs

If I learned anything from Forest Gump it’s that people who love to run are retarded.

@clichedout

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

@itscarokitty

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

@spcycucumber

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

@LaziestCanine

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”

HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME

@koalaslament

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air