Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If I learned anything from Forest Gump it’s that people who love to run are retarded.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”
HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air