It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
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After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?
Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*